Peggy in Amherst, New Hampshire (so close to being my aunt Peggy in Hollis, New Hampshire!) asked the candidates last night: “What don’t you know and how will you learn it?” They took this as a prompt to talk about how Hopeful they were or just how First they put America. What the real answers should have been:

— McCain: Doesn’t know what Microsoft is. Will learn by checking the back of pill bottles.

— Obama: Doesn’t know what really happens when you push the “Firefighter” switch in an elevator. Will learn by pressing all the firefighter switches in the White House elevators, and then blaming it on the Secret Service if the firefighters actually show up.

— McCain: Doesn’t know what it’s like to invade, destroy, and imperialize a small country. Will learn by invading, destroying, and imperializing a small country.

— Obama: Doesn’t know the best travel destinations for an upcoming vacation in Southeast Asia. Will learn by asking John McCain.

— McCain: Doesn’t know which knife to use for salad and which to use for the main course. Will learn by invading, destroying, and imperializing France.

— Obama: Doesn’t know what “cloture” is. Will learn by looking it up on Urban Dictionary.

— McCain: Doesn’t know how to get to Llama School. Will learn through song and dance.

— Obama: Doesn’t know what to get Michelle for Valentine’s Day. Will learn the hard way by getting her a crappy bouquet of flowers from the Congressional Floral Office.

— McCain: Doesn’t know how to finish this sudoku puzzle. Will learn by declaring odd numbers “enemy combatants.”