Today is 16 October 2008, the 289th day of a tilt-shifted year. The Food and Agriculture Organization celebrated its fifty-third birthday; Obama was depicted by California Republicans eating watermelon and fried chicken. Innovators in the brain surgery field used banjo-playing to isolate the location of a particular muscular tremor’s mental origin. The Environmental Protection agency tightened its airborne lead standards; Maryland announced plans to sue the Army for groundwater and soil pollution. Ben H Murray suggested that what’s needed to solve the banking crisis is an injection of women into the profession. Apple dropped Palatino from its developer documentation. John McCain’s tongue came into the spotlight. Sarah Palin submitted her dissertation to the Earth and Planetary Sciences Department. Poor people were found to rock.

Today is 14 October 2008, the 287th day of a bright-eyed year. Ronald Reagan’s “War on Drugs” entered its sixteenth year; Hank Williams Jr. was found to be on the losing side. Gérard Depardieu’s son, Guillaume, died of pneumonia. Apple released new laptops. NASA attempted to reboot the Hubble telescope. An antique airplane crashed in Epping, New Hampshire. Amidst the many comparisons of 2008 to the 1930s, the New York Times offered a comparison to 1837. People who drink even a small amount were found to have reduced brain volumes. Sarah Palin yelled at her supporters. Manchester Orchestra released a new EP/DVD.

Today is 9 October 2008, the 262d day of a punch-cut year. Peter Welch (D-VT) stated that he supported legislation mandating endowment payout minimums. Ezra Klein, radical angry populist and possible Black Power Crypto-Marxist-Megazor blogger, absurdly suggested that not all Americans make over $100,000 a year. Two men who escaped from a work crew in Vermont were captured. A manatee swimming off of Cape Cod prompted concern amongst wildlife officials. McCain supporters were found to often hold back on their true feelings out of politeness. The Dow sunk to below 9,000. The U.S. creeped closer to Communism. Paavo Haavikko died. People who were denied LA Lights sneakers as children were offered a second chance.

Today is 8 October 2008, the 261st day of a mold-blown year. A Nobel Prize was awarded to scientists who used a jellyfish’s glow protein as an indicator for cellular processes. If stem cells don’t work it, out was found that balls might be OK, too. Marco Roth argued that the Nobel Prize in literature isn’t about literary excellence. Lucy Caldwell argued that wealth mirrors excellence. The financial crisis was told via Pokémon. Legion predicted a putative Internet meme. “Nailing jello to the wall” was determined to indeed be quite difficult.

Today is 7 October 2008, the 280th day of a hammocked year. “That one” defeated John McCain in a battle of wits, agility, and the 4-H Parsley Competition. The first history of the Robot vs. Animal war was offered. The deepest observed living fish were filmed in the Japan Trench, where virtually no sunlight reaches. Meanwhile, blind masseurs in South Korea protested, sometimes suicidally, against economic encroachment by sighted masseurs. The Ig Nobel prize winners were announced. Women were found to be attracted to intelligence, but looks remained a more powerful predictor of attraction than mental faculties. David Duchovny checked out of sex addiction rehab.

Today is 6 October 2008, the 279th day of a trapezoidal year. Henry Waxman vented some populist anger at deposed Lehman chief Richard Fuld, and Republican John Mica reminded Fuld “You’ve got to act like a villain.” The FBI released their dossier on Evil Knievel. Boston became a bit more like The Departed. In a surprise mavericky move, the New Yorker endorses Barack Obama. The Dow fell to below 10,000 for the first time since Harriet Miers hosted ‘Ask The White House’; the Pope expressed concern. This American Life did its best to make everyone feel worse. Harvard was found to be a habitat for influential people. Apple sold ten million iPhones. The United States said no to 129 million condoms.

Today is 6 October 2008, the 278th day of a hopscotched year. It was reported that Americans were tightening their belts; Formula 1 racers found themselves in a similar situation. Meanwhile, a few booster seats were found to have loose belts. Massachusetts nervously clutched its accordion-file of important documents as it sat in bankers’ offices hoping to get a good loan this time. They had to wait a while in the lobby since California arrived first. Sarah Palin started getting nervous; so did feline weightlifting contestants. Some move called Beverly Hills Chihuahua somehow made $29 million over the weekend, meaning if it were to open again on every weekend for the next 464 years, it would net the $700 billion just passed for economic relief. Pirates were abroad. Peter Nalitch sang “Gitarrrr”.

Today is 18 April 2008, the 109th day of a transparent year. Fifty schoolgirls in Dakar were taken to the hospital for “mass hysteria.” Lord Stern noted that “all of the links” in the climate change phenomenon “are on average worse than we thought a couple of years ago.” The Pope fretted about concentrations of power. The Littlest Labor Secretary endorsed the hopefuliest presidential candidate. A sheriff in Oklahoma was charged with using his inmates as sex slaves. The question was posed whether Harvard “cares about gender.” Stephen Burt argued against arguments. The effect in which a product’s packaging is recursively depicted within its own packaging was given a name.

Today is 17 April 2008, the 108th day of a befuddled year. Yale undergraduate Aliza Shvarts unveiled an art installation in which she deliberately miscarried several babies and used the blood from the miscarriages as paint. Art critic ‘bearsplace’ noted of the incident: “all sorts of metrosexual college guys will go and sip thier herbal tea and go OOhhhh anAAAhhhh and say oh isn’t she so brave…sorry, fuckin’ loosers.” In other reproductive news, Jeremy Eaton recalled how the Hulk almost got him laid. A mother in Maryland gave birth to quadruplets in which three out of four were identical. Meanwhile, one in five soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan were found to have mental issues from their service. A crowd of young Southern tourists on Memorial Hall steps exploded into peals of excitement upon learning that Gavin DeGraw would be standing there tomorrow. The unpopular nü-hippie band Dispatch was referred to by the Harvard Concert Commission as a “popular Rock/Indie band.” Barney Frank attempted to help Dispatch listeners around the world retain the rights to their weed. David Hasselhoff retained the rights to the phrases “Hoff” and “Don’t Hassle the Hoff.” Drugs that keep you from pooping everywhere were found to make you forget the fact that you are newly continent. The Internet finally fulfilled the last ten things that people may need help with.